


A Series of Avengerful Events

by Nemesis Adrasteia (Phantom_Midge)



Category: MASH (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Star Trek: The Next Generation, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies), X-Men (Original Timeline Movies)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Drug Use, Drunkenness, Ensemble Cast, Gen, Movie References, Mpreg, Multiple Crossovers, Non-Explicit Sex, Wangst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-01
Updated: 2012-06-01
Packaged: 2019-04-06 13:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14058168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantom_Midge/pseuds/Nemesis%20Adrasteia
Summary: A collection of silly ficlets written shortly after I saw The Avengers on the big screen.





	A Series of Avengerful Events

**A Sad Story**

"My brother's friends made fun of me when I was a child," Loki said sadly.

"Boo hoo, your life is so hard," said Tony. "Your sad backstory and the utter misery of your tragic, tormented existence totally justify you killing a bunch of people and trying to take over the world and stuff like that. Let me play a sad song for you."

Then he played a sad song on his invisible violin.

Loki cried.

***

**Mistaken Identity**

Once upon a time, Natasha Romanov was beating up bad guys, because that is what she does. Suddenly, a French man who inexplicably had a British accent appeared out of nowhere. It was Captain Picard of the USS _Enterprise_.

"What are you doing here, Captain Picard? This isn't Star Trek," said Natasha.

"I'm not Picard, I'm Professor Xavier in a Starfleet uniform," said Professor Xavier, who was wearing a Starfleet uniform. The warm afternoon sunlight reflected off of his shiny bald head, making Natasha contemplate the futility of life.

"Even so, you're still in the wrong place," she said. "This is an Avengers story, and you are an X-Men character."

"Oh, really? I'm terribly sorry. I must be going now," said Professor Xavier, and he contacted his ship to beam him up. Natasha briefly wondered if there would ever be an X-Men film that didn't suck. Then she went back to beating up bad guys.

***

**Hawkeye vs. Hawkeye**

The two Hawkeyes stared at each other confrontationally and drew their old-fashioned pistols while the theme music from _The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly_ played in the background. Hawkeye the superhero was wearing a white cowboy hat, and Hawkeye the doctor was wearing a black cowboy hat. Neither of them wore rainbow suspenders, because that would be stupid. 

"So let me get this straight," said Hawkeye the doctor. "Your team has a super-spy, a super-soldier, a genius billionaire in a suit of super-armour, a giant green rage monster, an actual literal physical god, and then there's you; the guy who shoots arrows. How does that make you feel?"

Hawkeye the superhero opened his mouth. His intention was to fire back with a witty observation/insult that would make Hawkeye the doctor run crying to his mommy, but he found that he couldn't think of anything sufficiently witty because he was too stoned. Hawkeye the superhero then cursed himself for being foolish enough to accept Thor's offer of special Asgardian brownies.

***

**Literary Criticism**

"HULK NOT LIKE HAMLET. HAMLET WHINY BORING ASSHOLE, MAKE BORING SOLILOQUYS. HAMLET WHINE AND WHINE AND NOT SMASH CLAUDIUS. WHY HAMLET NOT SMASH CLAUDIUS? STORY OVER SOONER THEN, LESS BORING. SHAKESPEARE SUCK! NEED MORE SMASHING, LESS SOLILOQUY!"

The rest of the Avengers decided then and there that this was the last time the Hulk would be allowed to participate in their book club.

***

**Always Picked Last**

"Come on guys, let me be in the movie!" Ant-Man pleaded.

"Go away, Ant-Man. No one likes you," said Tony. Then he and the Hulk performed the sacred ritual known as the "high-five" while their fellow Avengers laughed heartily.

Ant-Man ran away crying.

***

**This Actually Happened in Norse Mythology**

"Ser'sly Thorrrrr, whasyer bro'er's _pro'lem?_ " Steve slurred drunkenly. Midgardian alcohol had no effect on him, but Asgardian ale was another matter entirely.

"Yeah Thor, why's your brother such a douchebag?" asked Natasha, who was not drunk yet because she was Russian.

Thor was about to reply that he hadn't the faintest idea, but then he had a flashback.

_Odin gazed approvingly at the eight-legged foal that stood before him._

_"At last, I am a grandfather!" he said happily._

_Loki responded to this statement of approval by scowling and stomping out of the room, making sure to slam the door behind him like the petulant teenager that he was. Odin frowned and said, "Thor, what is the matter with thy brother?"_

_"I do not know, father," said Thor. "Perhaps he is traumatized because HE JUST GAVE BIRTH TO A FUCKING HORSE."_

Then the flashback ended.

"No comment," said Thor.

***

**Jealousy**

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice: "We were here first," the members of the Justice League whispered bitterly. But no one could hear them over the sound of how much money the Marvel films were making at the box office.

***

**Plot Twist**

One day, Nick Fury was doing important paperwork. It was boring.

Suddenly, he was surrounded by giant venomous snakes!

"WHAT THE FUCK?" he said.

"Use the Force, boss!" said a nameless S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, tossing him a purple lightsaber. Then Nick Fury killed all of the snakes with his awesome Jedi powers. And you thought I was going to take the lazy route and make a _Snakes on a Plane_ joke.

***

**Brokeback Avengers**

Steve had achieved enlightenment, and was now worthy to wield the thunder god's mighty weapon.

"I've got your hammer. What are you going to do about it?" he said to Thor.

"That is not my hammer," said Thor. "The hammer is my penis."

And then they boned.

***

**Phoenix**

"I have risen from the dead," said Coulson. The Avengers gasped.

"Bitch, _please_ ," said Jean Grey.


End file.
